Crazy Road Drama Before Vacation

I went on my very first cruise a couple years ago. The ship was due to sail to Grand Cayman, then off to Cozumel, and finally back to Tampa. My wife and I had been looking forward to a getaway for the better part of a year. The day finally arrives and we head toward Downtown Tampa to board the ship. Because it was a vacation, we had an Uber driver pick us up from our house; another first for us. The driver arrives, we place our junk in his trunk, and we take off.

As we’re cruising across the Courtney Campbell Causeway, two drivers fly past us as if we were freakin parked, one tailgating the other. They get caught up in traffic just ahead. When they are forced to slow down, the front driver (black car) begins break-checking the other driver (blue car). The blue car repeatedly steers his car to the left and right, thinking he’s an IndyCar or some shit. He cuts into the left lane at the first opportunity, narrowly missing two cars as he sandwiches himself into traffic. As the blue car passes the black car, the black car veers over the dotted line, cutting into the left lane and nearly sideswiping the blue car once, twice, then a third time. Meanwhile the blue car is being forced onto the shoulder to avoid getting hit. The blue car hits the gas when the vehicle ahead of him changes lanes, while the black car hugs the right shoulder and rockets past two vehicles.

The Uber driver is asking if we want to follow the action and I’m like “um…Hell yes?!” My wife says, “I’m just going to close my eyes” as she double-checks her fastened seat belt. I think good idea and verify mine is locked too. The Uber driver manages to zigzag through traffic as politely as possible, requesting to pass with a beep-beep and waving thanks at fellow motorists. By this point we are approaching the bridge. We begin ascending the bridge and both cars ahead are side by side, screaming at each other. We’re behind the black car at a safe distance. We see the blue car lob a huge gas station cup INTO the black car and the cup clearly explodes all over the interior, as if a 7-Eleven bomb goes off! Just when I thought it couldn’t get crazier, the blue driver holds up ANOTHER fountain drink and winds up for another pitch. Who the fuck has an arsenal of fountain drinks at their disposal?! Suddenly, the black car flings his car at the quenched and the blue driver misfires, exploding the cup all over his rear passenger window! [Awh shit dammit, I reached my “!” limit, so just assume every sentence forward ends with an exclamation.] Not 3 seconds goes by and the blue driver chucks a glass bottle out his window, busting against the black driver’s door. The sparkling glass scatters across the highway. The black car nearly loses control, scraping his vehicle against the guardrail and breaks off his rear-view mirror. The Uber car runs over the mirror with a loud thump under the chassis.
After we drive over the mirror, it flips up and cracks the windshield of the truck behind us. Of course now they’re pissed and they cut over to the left lane and get along-side us. They’re shouting at the Uber driver and the Uber guy returns the yelling while pointing to the black car ahead of us. The other driver looks ahead and clearly sees both cars driving like maniacs. So, the driver with the broken windshield flies ahead of us. Random debris from his shitty truck is flying out of the bed, resembling empty cigarette packs and beer cans. He manages to cut around the blue car in the left lane and gets in front of the black car. I could especially tell by the debris flying over the black car like a shower of goddamn confetti. The truck hits the brakes, we quickly slow to a stop and the blue douchebag cowardly takes off.

The Uber driver pulls to the shoulder as the windshield guy gets out of his pickup wearing a cigarette in his mouth and a confederate trucker hat, then storms toward the black car with his hands up shouting “What the fuuuck, buddy?!” He totally had the ‘du whut now’ face. We remain behind them for a minute while they argue. Passersby are honking. A car creeps by on the left recording with their cameraphones and we suddenly see them jolt forward with a BANG. Since they had to selfishly rubberneck to catch a ten second YouTube clip, they caused a 3-vehicle fender bender. Now both lanes are totally blocked. Clearly the road ragers aren’t going anywhere because they’re pushing each other at this point, totally oblivious to the car accident they indirectly caused. The wrecked cars follow the rubbernecker to the shoulder just ahead of the shitty truck.  

At this point the Uber driver had been speaking with 911 for several minutes. Just as I was thinking how popcorn would be totally appropriate, the windshield guy takes a swing at the black car driver and misses. The black car guy totally pulls this full-on roundhouse kick and knocks the trucker guy out cold! He doesn’t even attempt to catch his fall. Black car guy yanks the rebel flag hat off him and Frisbees it into the water. “You fuckin asshole, fuck you and your fucking hat! Get the fuck up! Get up you dick!” He sat up, hearing the tsunami of insults, though probably not listening. All we know is that he ain’t returning the words. He feels around for something; his hat maybe? Wait, nope, the cigarette. He sits and smokes while looking around like he doesn’t know where he is. Not 30 seconds goes by when a Sheriff’s car pulls up.

The black car guy keeps yelling profanity at the trucker John until he sees the Sheriff approaching, then starts taking his aggression out on the Sheriff. Next thing we know, the Sheriff grabs black car guy and slams him onto his own hood, leaving a big dent (we saw it when we eventually left). The guy gets cuffed and placed in the squad car. A few minutes later the Sheriff approaches us and we explain the situation. All three of us are asked to fill out witness statements. About 10 minutes later an ambulance drives by and parks somewhere between the shitty truck and the 3 stooges, so it’s hard to tell who the ambulance was here for. The paramedics head for the redneck, who is still sitting down and extinguishing his 4th cigarette. We wrap up our witness statements and are eventually allowed to take off. By the time we leave, there is a backup on the causeway that probably stretches for miles, the 3 fender benders are still there, and 5 Sheriff Cars are scattered around along with 2 fire trucks and 3 ambulances. All that happened and we weren’t even in Tampa yet! Makes me wonder what next?!, though I dare not speak it.